Set a Guard Over My Mouth

Kevin and I currently live in a "terrace level" apartment, which is basically a fancy way of saying we live in the basement. Unfortunately, when it rains, a steady stream of water drips from the very top of the apartment building and lands on a concrete pad right outside our master bedroom. Usually, I would love the soft pitter patter of raindrops falling outside when I am trying to sleep, but the sound produced in this case is more like a continual smack, splash, smack right outside my bedroom window. At the very least, it is annoying; at its worst, it keeps me from sleeping altogether. 

In the past couple weeks, I have had my marriage at the forefront of my mind for several reasons. A marriage conference, led by Matt Chandler, that Kevin and I attended last week, as well as recent conversations with friends, all have me thinking about that annoying, dripping gutter by my master bedroom and about this verse: 


A continual dripping on a rainy day and a quarrelsome wife are alike; to restrain her is to restrain the wind or to grasp oil in one's right hand.

I love Kevin so much, and he really is a wonderful man to be married to, but sometimes I wonder if the words I say to him really paint that picture. Are my words dripping, nagging rain drops for him, or are they springs of life and encouragement? All too often, I think my answer would have to be the former. A friend and I were recently lamenting how quick we are to complain to, rather than encourage our husbands.

God surely knows this critical tendency in the hearts of so many of us, and he says an awful lot about it: 

It is better to live in a corner of the housetop than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife.
Proverbs 21:9

It is better to live in a desert land than with a quarrelsome and fretful woman.
Proverbs 21:19

Or my personal favorite...

Like a gold ring in a pig's snout is a beautiful woman without discretion.
Proverbs 11:22

Usually we show the least discretion and restraint around those we know best. And for those of us who are married, this often means that our spouses are on the receiving end of a lot of our quick-tempered and unkind words. These verses are pretty clear that a lack of discretion and restraint with our words can be both annoying and destructive. I want to use words that build Kevin up, not tear him down, but oftentimes, I think my poor husband hears a lot more about the things he does that displease me, than he does about the many things he gets right. 

The truth is, when my words towards Kevin are mainly bitter, this is a reflection of my heart, not his failure to perform the way I'd like. It is a dangerous place to be when we are always blaming our anger on the other person. James says it this way: 

Does a fountain send out from the same opening both fresh and bitter water? Can a fig tree, my brethren, produce olives, or a vine produce figs? Nor can salt water produce fresh.

It's pretty simple, bitter water doesn't come from a fresh spring. In the same way, others are not to blame for my critical, harsh, or impatient words. All of those things flow from a critical, harsh, or impatient attitude that was already within me. Realizing this and stopping the blame game when it comes to saying things I regret has to be the first step in repenting of harsh and nagging words. I need to ask God to change my own heart and actions before I worry about changing anyone else. 

I am certainly not saying we should restrain ourselves to the point of complete silence, or that we should only give compliments all the time. But, if I am honest, in the heat of a frustrating moment, I all too often think I've got an issue that just has to be confronted then and there (you left your dirty clothes on the kitchen counter again??), when really it's an issue I should just look past, or address at a better time. 

I've started to make Psalm 141:3 a daily prayer of mine:

Set a guard, O Lord, over my mouth;
    keep watch over the door of my lips!

Still, there will be times when we do need to confront our spouse.
 There are some complaints that do need to be brought into the light, particularly when we are married to a Christ-follower -whom we can reasonably expect to have a desire to strive for holiness too. 

But, for someone who loves words as much as I do, sometimes they come a little too hastily. As a practical way of measuring my temper and discerning whether or not it's the right time for me to speak up, I sat down and came up with some questions to ask myself before I voice a complaint to someone. It's something I'd like to commit to memory and implement on a regular basis. I pray that these questions will help some of you too. 

1. Have I prayed about this issue yet?

All too often my answer to this question is a big, fat no. If there's an issue that's really bothering and burdening me, why would I not bring it before the Lord in prayer?

2. Have I examined my own heart? 

How quick I am to see other's faults in a situation rather than my own!
You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye. (Matthew 7:3)

3. Am I speaking in anger, or in love?

Speaking in the heat of the moment usually doesn't go well. If I am consumed by anger, I am much less likely to get across the point/ have the effect I'd like to, and I am likely to hurt the one I'm speaking to. An even-tempered conversation will be much better for all parties involved. 

4. Am I making unfair generalizations about the other person?

Words like "you never" and "you always" are usually dead giveaways of this one. Not only are these accusations probably untrue, they also come across as condemning and hurtful, and neglect to notice any of the positive things the person has done. 

5. Am I seeking to build up, or to tear down?

This is a big one for me, and if we're honest, probably for a lot of us! When I am hurt, so often my goal in telling my spouse about it isn't to lovingly correct him and to help him grow or to build our relationship, it's to make him hurt with guilt and remorse. Tearing a person down should never be the underlying goal of any conversation I have, regardless of how I feel I've been wronged. 

6. Are my expectations of this person reasonable/ doable/ biblical?

This is another huge one. I have heard many people say that most conflicts in marriage can be boiled down to unmet expectations. I have to be honest and admit that a lot of my expectations for my husband are just not reasonable, whether that's because they're unattainable for any fallible human-being, or any human-being with our budget, or because he just had no way of knowing what my expectation in a given situation was in the first place.

7. Have I encouraged this person in the area of concern lately?

I want my words to be life-giving to my husband. I don't want to be always looking for his weaknesses, but instead become an expert in his strengths. God has called me to use words that build up rather than tear down, and he has also chosen to use me as one of the primary means of sanctification in my spouse. I hope that I am sanctifying him through encouragement and exhortation, not through testing his endurance and patience. 

I am praying that these questions are simple and practical enough for you to implement in your own life, as they have already been very helpful to me. And certainly, these questions aren't limited to guiding conversations just with our spouses. I am hopeful that single people can also benefit from exercising restraint and discretion in the way they speak to others, particularly during times of conflict. May we extend to others the grace that we have received from God through Jesus, by whom we've been given new hearts: hearts that love when its difficult to love, encourage when its easier to complain, and overflow with kindness rather than bitterness.

As always, His grace abounds, 
Diana