The Unexpected Path

Seven years ago, on a sunny afternoon in North-central Florida,  Jake Fowler unexpectedly passed from this world and into the next. My heart shattered. It seemed my world had too. All of my dreams that I’d built over the last 5 years of our relationship seemed torn away. I was freshly graduated from college, 21 years old, and less than a month shy of our 1-year wedding anniversary. Time passed by at a snail’s pace. Every day felt like ages.

Our 1-year wedding anniversary came a few weeks later on July 16. My girlfriends planned a special dinner for me so I wouldn’t have to be alone, and so I could still do some celebrating. My sweet friend Leslie Greenwood gave me a journal that night and told me to write down all the things God was speaking to me. (thank you for your consistent thoughtfulness over the years, Les) It was one of the most God-ordained gifts I’ve ever received. Over the next few days and months I filled those pages with questions, scriptures, prayers, quotes from books, and thoughts that the Holy Spirit was impressing on me. I read through some of it today in search of a specific event  that I’ve recently been thinking of.

About a week after that anniversary dinner, I embarked on a two week road trip with some of my dearest friends- Jake’s bandmates and their wives. The band would be leading worship at a camp in Texas one week, and a revival at a church in Arkansas the next. Looking back on the eight of us barely-twenty-somethings loading up in an RV and driving halfway across the country in the throes of grief is remarkable (and a little crazy) to think about now, but I’m so thankful to God for the memories we created on that trip. It was such a blessing to have the Good News of the Gospel preached and sung over me every day for two weeks, and the time with and godly comfort from my friends was invaluable.  On the final night at that camp in who-knows-where, Texas, God spoke to me very clearly. I wish I could remember the circumstances around it better. All I can remember is singing the song “Give Me Faith,” and then hearing from God so plainly that it was as if he’d spoken right into my ear.

“This is a high calling.”

The statement almost knocked me over. I thought of how God had called me into widowhood. Orchestrated it. That it was a calling that could be used for his glory and for my good. That it was a privilege to walk with him in grief and to experience his “nearness to the brokenhearted.” That my pain had purpose, and I’d get to learn things through it that I never would have otherwise.

Later that evening I went back to our cabin and penned these words in response, “I know Lord, but I can’t bear the weight of it! Be my strength. Teach me. Be glorified in me.”

That night, a seed of hope was planted in me. I began to see my loss not as something that happened to me, but something that happened for God’s greater glory.

Over the next months and years, God did so much in my heart. He brought Kevin into my life and did more in my story than I ever could have imagined. As I healed and grew and learned, there was more and more that I wanted to share with the world. I imagined that I would write a book, grow a platform from which to share God’s Word, speak and engage with people outside of my circle. I thought I knew exactly what God’s “high calling” on my life would look like and what he would do with my story.  I began to placate my broken heart with dreams of restoration that included influence and a name for myself. But what if my “high calling” was more about something heavenly and less about what would be given to me in this life?

This is where I so often get into trouble. God reveals a promise in his Word, or gives direction by some other means, and my glory-thieving little heart puts its own creative spin on it. Does this happen to anyone else? You think you’ve heard a word from God about his plans for you, and then you go forward and try to execute the plan for yourself.  Anyone else try to make your dreams for your life God’s dreams? Or ask  for his permission as you go forth with your plans, rather than asking for His plans and His direction? It’s the natural bent of all of us- to try to usurp God’s rightful rule of our lives and be our own gods.

Our sin nature runs deep, and at its very core is a heart that is prideful and me-centered. We love to make God-stories into me-stories. We love to steal glory that rightly belongs to him. We love to glory in our fame and recognition, and in Christian circles, we can even use His name to gain more notoriety for ourselves. And in this social media age, the stakes are higher and the temptation is more crouching-at -our-doorstep than ever. It’s so ugly and hard to admit, but it’s true. Idolatry is always close-at-hand and Satan would seek to destroy us with it from the inside out.

Here I am, seven years later: No book (very little direction and only 2 chapters in). No notoriety. No popular blog or social media platform. In so many ways, my “high calling” is lesser and lowlier than I thought it would be. But God hasn’t left me here alone. He hasn’t abandoned his plans for my life or stopped writing my beauty-from-ashes story.

No, he’s been walking with me all along and humbling me to perform the work that He has planned for me -right here, right now- with my kids, my husband, my own church. He’s been teaching me to be faithful in the unseen. He’s showed himself to me as El Roi, the God who sees. He’s revealed hidden places in my heart and worked out sin that I didn’t even know was there.

And seven years later, he asks me the same questions that he asked me in 2011, “Will you still trust me when your life doesn’t look the way you thought it would? Will you surrender when my plans differ from yours? Will you trust that I know better? Am I really your greatest treasure?”

I’m still learning that I can plan all I want, but God is the one that’s ultimately in control, and that’s actually WAY BETTER FOR ME and for the world.

In many ways the Christian life is about becoming “less than.” John the Baptist, who according to Jesus was the “greatest man to ever live,” said of himself, “I must decrease, and Jesus must increase.” Jesus calls us to carry our own cross, our own instrument of self-death, daily, and to do good “in secret,” rather than for the applause of men. Paul, who “counted [his] life as rubbish” calls us in Romans to “offer [ourselves] as living sacrifices.”  In every area of life: less of us, more of God. The crossed out “I” life.

And the crazy thing is that in God’s economy, all of this self-death leads to life! Surrendering our own little dreams gives birth to God-sized dreams that only He could think up. Quitting our relentless pursuit of self-gratification leads to true satisfaction. Serving others and considering them as better than ourselves, brings us truer, more lasting joy. Working in quiet faithfulness now better equips us for whatever task lies ahead. And living with less here more firmly attaches our hearts to the immeasurable riches that await us in Heaven.

Dear one, are you living in the shadow of unmet expectations or shattered dreams? Did you have a plan that you thought was good and God-centered but still hasn’t come to fruition? Are your finances, your job, your family, your ministry, your relationships, your living situation “less” than you planned? Are you bewildered at what God is doing with your story? Do you wonder what all the hurt could possibly be for?

Perhaps we should first look for the change that God wants to work in us rather than through us. Perhaps he’s more concerned about our holiness than our influence. What if God only intended to touch you and your immediate circle with your story? Would you be be ok with that? Would I?

Whether you’re in the middle of a season that doesn’t make sense right now, or you’re wielding more influence than you ever imagined, here are some things we must remember:

1. Remember what truly matters on this earth. “Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness and all these things will be added to you.” Go about the quiet and slow work of obedience. He will add to you exactly what you need, when you need it. He is wiser, and has a greater purpose in mind than we do.
2. Remember that God has good plans for you, and he cares about getting you there. Trust that his plans are better. Surround yourself with people who point you to His goodness. “The heart set to do the Father’s Will never needs to fear defeat. His promises of guidance may be fully counted upon. Does it make sense to believe that the Shepherd would care less about getting his sheep where he wants them to go than they care about getting there?” (E. Elliot)
3. Remember eternity. “It is a merciful Father who strips us when we need to be stripped, as the tree needs to be stripped of its blossoms. He is not finished with us yet, whatever loss we suffer, for as we loose our hold on visible things, the invisible become more precious- ‘where our treasure is, there will our hearts be also.’” (E. Elliot)

As always, Jesus is better, and his grace is sufficient in all our weaknesses; I think I’ll probably be learning that lesson again and again for the rest of my life, but praise God, for he "is able to make all grace abound to {us}, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, {we} may abound in every good work.” (2 Cor. 9:8)

Grace and Peace,

Diana

Many are the plans in a man’s heart, but it  is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.

Proverbs 19:21