One year ago today...

I’ve been sitting here at my computer for quite some time pecking at the keys, adding and dropping ideas, playing with words, and to be honest with you, I wasn’t getting very far.  Today is a big day for me, so it feels as if I should write something equally big and grand. I wanted to write something that would grip you and encourage you, but not at the expense of being honest. To be honest, my thoughts are not really flowing today. Or maybe it’s just that they’re flowing a little too much, a little too all over the place. Today is the day that I have been waiting to get through for a very long time, that I sometimes thought would never come, the day when I will have completed all my “firsts” without Jake: first birthdays, anniversaries, holidays and trips without him. In some ways this year feels like the longest one of my life. At first, every minute, hour and day without Jake was long and arduous. There have been times when I have been completely baffled by the ups and downs of my emotions, by the strange sensation of having great sorrow and deep joy at the same time. I feel as if I’ve learned a lifetime of lessons and character this year. But in other ways it seems to have flown by. As I sit here writing in a cabin that is so near to the spring where Jake left this earth, I can easily remember the events of the last June 27^th. They are so vivid that they feel like last week, not last year. So it is a confusing jumble of time and emotions that I am feeling right now.

However, if I had to choose one word to describe the state that I am in today, it is joyous. Joyous that I’ve been able to be here serving at camp all week without being a basketcase. Joyous at remembering all the happy times Jake and I shared and that God gave us a relationship without regrets. Joyous at God’s perfect provision for me this year. Joyous at how He’s allowed me to see His sovereign hand at work in my life and the life of others. Joyous that I’m still alive and have been given so many blessings to enjoy in this life. Joyous that even when I die I have a much greater life ahead of me, which Jake is already experiencing. Joyous in hope.

On June 27^th 2011, it was raining here. I remember thinking the weather seemed very appropriate as I left the Gainesville hospital where Jake was officially declared to be gone from this earth. It felt as if God was shedding tears with me (but if He really was,  I’d expect those tears were only out of deep love and compassion on His children who were hurting, not out of any despair or shock on His part). Likewise, this week at camp has been one of the rainiest weeks I have ever seen. Hour after hour torrential downpours have hit the campus. That is, until today. Today I woke up to the sun shining in my window. And it has an unusual sweetness and excitement about it because of all the darkness we’ve seen. I can’t help but be overjoyed as I think about how this weather mirrors my own life. After days and days of darkness and heaviness and gloom, the thick clouds have rolled back, the sun is shining, and there is hope for a better day ahead. I once read that the more a human has tasted the bitter things, the more it hungers after the sweet things of life. I have tasted that which is bitter, and I am thankful for it because this year I have been able to taste God’s sweetness all the more powerfully.

 I am reminded of a quote by another widow, Elisabeth Elliot, “The will of God is never exactly what you expect it to be. It may seem to be much worse, but in the end it’s going to be a lot better and a lot bigger.” This has definitely rung true in my life. As I sit here and reflect upon the past year, I am simply in awe of God and what He has done. He used lots of colors that seemed to be dark and dreary, in order to give the colorful portrait that was being painted all along more depth.  Be sure of this Christian, you will be asked or sometimes forced to walk some hard roads. You will taste the bitterness of suffering, whether through sickness or sin or death or persecution, and for a while, maybe a long while, things on this side of Heaven will look bleak. You will wonder at what God is doing and struggle to understand how His will could be so different from yours. But fix your eyes on Jesus, and you will have great reward. You will be rewarded by getting to know and love God more than you ever have before, and that makes the road well worth taking.

In remembrance of Jacob Daniel Fowler, who always pointed my thoughts Heavenward, and who is enjoying His first birthday in the presence of God today, I love you, 

Diana Fowler

Meeting with our team last year on the first day of camp. 

June 27, 2011