Realizations

    I had a tonsillectomy last week and as per the doctor's recommendation, have had this entire week off. The timing was certainly sovereign and needed. I have been spending some very intentional and much-needed one-on-one time with Jesus all week. Lately I have been realizing that I am a very task-oriented person. When there is a problem, I want to fix it. When I start something, I want to finish it in one sitting. When I have multiple things to do, I must have a list, or I am completely overwhelmed. It is very hard for me to admit that I am being overcome by something, whether that be keeping my house clean, holding onto bitterness, or drowning in sorrow. Nevertheless those things do overcome me at times, and I am learning more and more to hand them over to the LORD right away rather than trying to resist them and win in my own power. I am learning more and more my weakness and GOD's strength. In fact, GOD is all strength. How silly of me to ever think I could do a better job of fixing something without Him.
     True to character, I think I have been approaching this whole grief thing in a very task-oriented way too, often just viewing it as a series of tasks to overcome. In the first couple months there were so many things that needed to be tended to... a funeral service to plan, bills to pay, account names to change, certificates to be sent off, insurance to deal with, things to schedule, belongings to sort and organize. I was good at getting those things done. Every time I could check another miserable task off my list I felt like I was making progress. Then I think I progressed into the "just stay busy" stage. And boy have I been busy. In the past 9 months I think I've done more trips and visiting and ministry than I've ever done. Along with working nearly full-time and deciding to stay at my own house and take care of it, I'm occupied nearly all the time. Granted, I know many people have much more packed schedules than I do, but as many of you in the early stages of losing someone know, grieving in and of itself is a pretty full-time deal. I am exhausted and have been for a while. But I know that they who wait upon the LORD will renew their strength and soar on wings as eagles (Isaiah 40). 
I'm waiting LORD. Waiting for renewed strength. I want to honor You and continue to serve You with gladness. More than a revelation of your plan, I am waiting for more revelations of You. You satisfy LORD, deeply and completely and joyously.
1 Chronicles 16:11
Seek the Lord and his strength;  seek his presence continually!
Isaiah 55:2-3
Why spend money on what is not bread,
  and your labor on what does not satisfy?
Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good,
  and you will delight in the richest of fare.
Give ear and come to me;
  listen, that you may live.
     I am now starting to realize that with most of the practical, miserable tasks behind me, the grief work ahead of me is now emotional. This is the thing that has really thrown me for a loop. I don't know how to fix this. It is not something that I can look at and clearly say, "I'm finished. I can check that off the list." Maybe I will be able to someday do that in retrospect; I don't know, but not now. But this is the task God has given me. This is the burden He has asked me to carry. Sometimes it is heavy, but it is strengthening my heart and my muscles and my very bones to go to the high places with Him. And I know when I get to those places, wherever they may be, and I see all that He has done down in this valley, it will be worth it, and there will not be an ounce of regret.
    Uhgggghgh. Sometimes, a widow/mentor/friend of mine, says, "We just need to let out groans from deep within our spirit."
That is what I am doing now, LORD. I am groaning as I carry this load of grief,
Psalm 31:10
For my life is spent with sorrow, and my years with sighing; my strength fails because of my iniquity, and my bones waste away.
but I know I am being strengthened. As my strength fails, Your strength sustains me.
Psalm 22:15
my strength is dried up like a potsherd, and my tongue sticks to my jaws; you lay me in the dust of death.
Psalm 68:35
Awesome is God from his sanctuary; the God of Israel—he is the one who gives power and strength to his people. Blessed be God!
Romans 16:25
Now to him who is able to strengthen you according to my gospel and the preaching of Jesus Christ...
My spirit groans for peace; it yearns for understanding. At times like this I wonder how I can have peace again when so much hurt and so many unsettling things have happened. But YOU are my peace Jesus, not my circumstances. You are the calm, consistent, and unchanging in my life.
Psalm 83:1
O God, do not keep silence; do not hold your peace or be still, O God!
Ephesians 2:14
For he himself is our peace, who has made us both one and has broken down in his flesh the dividing wall of hostility
2 Peter 1:2
May grace and peace be multiplied to you in the knowledge of God and of Jesus our Lord.
I am so weak in prayer LORD. Please help me. Often I have no idea what to say or ask for, but You know my heart. You know my needs. Answer me according to Your mercy and steadfast love. LORD, please hear my groans as pleas for Your voice and my cries as desperation for You. Use my tears to cleanse my eyes that I may see your goodness. You have been gracious to me LORD. Let me not forget.

Psalm 77

3 When I remember God, I moan;

   when I meditate, my spirit faints. Selah

4 You hold my eyelids open;

   I am so troubled that I cannot speak.

5 I consider the days of old,

   the years long ago.

6 I said, “Let me remember my song in the night;

   let me meditate in my heart.”

   Then my spirit made a diligent search:

7 “Will the Lord spurn forever,

   and never again be favorable?

8 Has his steadfast love forever ceased?

   Are his promises at an end for all time?

9 Has God forgotten to be gracious?

    Has he in anger shut up his compassion?” Selah

10 Then I said, “I will appeal to this,

   to the years of the right hand of the Most High.”

11 I will remember the deeds of the Lord;

   yes, I will remember your wonders of old.

12 I will ponder all your work,

   and meditate on your mighty deeds.

13 Your way, O God, is holy.

    What god is great like our God?

14 You are the God who works wonders;

   you have made known your might among the peoples.

Please forgive me for my long-windedness, friends. GOD is doing so much in my heart and life. I guess it's as John says: Now there are also many other things that Jesus did. Were every one of them to be written, I suppose that the world itself could not contain the books that would be written. (John 21:25) I'm praising GOD, friends, that He is doing things in your lives at this time as well. Please feel free to share them with me anytime!