Just Being Honest
Once again, there has been some delay since I last blogged. Not for lack of writing, for I have done my fair share of journaling these days, but more for lack of coherent thought. The truth is this grief process is messy. It is unpredictable and up and down. It is not something I can exactly define or anticipate, but GOD has designed and ordained it that way. Grief has been ingeniously designed by our Creator to make us more dependent on Him and more like the people He intends for us to be. It is exhausting to be sure, and painful, but boy is it sanctifying. So forgive me once again for the delay in writing. I intend to do a lot more sharing in the near future, LORD-willing, even if sometimes that means sharing pain and questions. GOD is not threatened by those things. He is not threatened by anything.
It has now been over nine months since Jake's death. In some ways that nine months has flown by, in other ways it feels like so much has happened that I haven't been able to share with him. In this nine months the LORD has been true to His Word. He has been close to me, the brokenhearted (Psalm 34) and has saved me when I am crushed in spirit. He has been with me as I learned to pay bills, make dinner and shop for one, live on my own, sort through Jake's things. He has taught me and grown me so much, and yet the truth is, the last month or so has probably been one of the hardest times on my grief journey. It has completely blindsided me. I guess I was expecting this to happen. I was waiting for the moment I have heard about when everything finally hits, when you realize that your whole life has changed and things will never be the way they once were. I knew it was coming. I just didn't know it would come so hard, and with so little warning.
I've been feeling like I was learning to walk and function again when out of nowhere a freight train full of cargo from my past has barreled into me. And what's worse, the train hasn't just hit me, its now expecting me to carry around the weight of all that cargo. I have felt paralyzed when I thought I was on the move again, overwhelmed by the strain and pain. But I have found that it is possible to give thanks in this too (1 Thess. 5:18). I have found "the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need," strain and pain. "I can do all things through Him who gives me strength;" I can even be content and thankful and joyous in this circumstance (Phil. 4:12,13). I am thankful for the way that GOD's Word has come alive to me as never before (More posts to this end should be coming soon). I am thankful that He has proven Himself faithful time and time again. I am thankful that His mercies are new every morning. I am thankful that I don't just know His promises, but I finally trust them enough to act on them. I am thankful to know Him. I am thankful for the hope of Heaven. I rejoice knowing that Jake is there and that someday I will be too with all the saints of GOD that I have ever loved. And we will see Jesus and we will be like Him. (1 John 3:2). I am thankful for a perspective that is beyond myself and my own troubles. They are fleeting. They are small in comparison to the grandeur of GOD and His kingdom. I am thankful for the truth of His Word. It is the anchor that holds me, by His grace, through the fiercest storm. No matter which way the waves and winds of my grief and emotions may try to take me, the truth of His Word holds me fast to Him and His will (Psalm 119: 9-11).
The LORD has such an interesting way of turning my mourning into dancing. I cannot grieve for long before I must look to Christ for consolation, and I cannot look at Him long without breaking out in shouts of acclamation! (I didn't even mean for that to rhyme :D )He is great and does wondrous deeds! I feel like the Psalmist that often wanders from idea to idea seemingly too overjoyed at God's goodness to stay focused on just one aspect of it. I will echo the Psalmists sentiments tonight:
Psalm 145:
It has now been over nine months since Jake's death. In some ways that nine months has flown by, in other ways it feels like so much has happened that I haven't been able to share with him. In this nine months the LORD has been true to His Word. He has been close to me, the brokenhearted (Psalm 34) and has saved me when I am crushed in spirit. He has been with me as I learned to pay bills, make dinner and shop for one, live on my own, sort through Jake's things. He has taught me and grown me so much, and yet the truth is, the last month or so has probably been one of the hardest times on my grief journey. It has completely blindsided me. I guess I was expecting this to happen. I was waiting for the moment I have heard about when everything finally hits, when you realize that your whole life has changed and things will never be the way they once were. I knew it was coming. I just didn't know it would come so hard, and with so little warning.
I've been feeling like I was learning to walk and function again when out of nowhere a freight train full of cargo from my past has barreled into me. And what's worse, the train hasn't just hit me, its now expecting me to carry around the weight of all that cargo. I have felt paralyzed when I thought I was on the move again, overwhelmed by the strain and pain. But I have found that it is possible to give thanks in this too (1 Thess. 5:18). I have found "the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need," strain and pain. "I can do all things through Him who gives me strength;" I can even be content and thankful and joyous in this circumstance (Phil. 4:12,13). I am thankful for the way that GOD's Word has come alive to me as never before (More posts to this end should be coming soon). I am thankful that He has proven Himself faithful time and time again. I am thankful that His mercies are new every morning. I am thankful that I don't just know His promises, but I finally trust them enough to act on them. I am thankful to know Him. I am thankful for the hope of Heaven. I rejoice knowing that Jake is there and that someday I will be too with all the saints of GOD that I have ever loved. And we will see Jesus and we will be like Him. (1 John 3:2). I am thankful for a perspective that is beyond myself and my own troubles. They are fleeting. They are small in comparison to the grandeur of GOD and His kingdom. I am thankful for the truth of His Word. It is the anchor that holds me, by His grace, through the fiercest storm. No matter which way the waves and winds of my grief and emotions may try to take me, the truth of His Word holds me fast to Him and His will (Psalm 119: 9-11).
The LORD has such an interesting way of turning my mourning into dancing. I cannot grieve for long before I must look to Christ for consolation, and I cannot look at Him long without breaking out in shouts of acclamation! (I didn't even mean for that to rhyme :D )He is great and does wondrous deeds! I feel like the Psalmist that often wanders from idea to idea seemingly too overjoyed at God's goodness to stay focused on just one aspect of it. I will echo the Psalmists sentiments tonight:
Psalm 145:
1 I will exalt you, my God the King;
I will praise your name for ever and ever.
2 Every day I will praise you
and extol your name for ever and ever.
I will praise your name for ever and ever.
2 Every day I will praise you
and extol your name for ever and ever.
3 Great is the LORD and most worthy of praise;
his greatness no one can fathom.
4 One generation commends your works to another;
they tell of your mighty acts.
5 They speak of the glorious splendor of your majesty—
and I will meditate on your wonderful works.[b]
6 They tell of the power of your awesome works—
and I will proclaim your great deeds.
7 They celebrate your abundant goodness
and joyfully sing of your righteousness.
his greatness no one can fathom.
4 One generation commends your works to another;
they tell of your mighty acts.
5 They speak of the glorious splendor of your majesty—
and I will meditate on your wonderful works.[b]
6 They tell of the power of your awesome works—
and I will proclaim your great deeds.
7 They celebrate your abundant goodness
and joyfully sing of your righteousness.
8 The LORD is gracious and compassionate,
slow to anger and rich in love.
slow to anger and rich in love.
9 The LORD is good to all;
he has compassion on all he has made.
10 All your works praise you, LORD;
your faithful people extol you.
11 They tell of the glory of your kingdom
and speak of your might,
12 so that all people may know of your mighty acts
and the glorious splendor of your kingdom.
13 Your kingdom is an everlasting kingdom,
and your dominion endures through all generations.
he has compassion on all he has made.
10 All your works praise you, LORD;
your faithful people extol you.
11 They tell of the glory of your kingdom
and speak of your might,
12 so that all people may know of your mighty acts
and the glorious splendor of your kingdom.
13 Your kingdom is an everlasting kingdom,
and your dominion endures through all generations.
The LORD is trustworthy in all he promises
and faithful in all he does.[c]
14 The LORD upholds all who fall
and lifts up all who are bowed down.
15 The eyes of all look to you,
and you give them their food at the proper time.
16 You open your hand
and satisfy the desires of every living thing.
and faithful in all he does.[c]
14 The LORD upholds all who fall
and lifts up all who are bowed down.
15 The eyes of all look to you,
and you give them their food at the proper time.
16 You open your hand
and satisfy the desires of every living thing.
17 The LORD is righteous in all his ways
and faithful in all he does.
18 The LORD is near to all who call on him,
to all who call on him in truth.
19 He fulfills the desires of those who fear him;
he hears their cry and saves them.
20 The LORD watches over all who love him,
but all the wicked he will destroy.
and faithful in all he does.
18 The LORD is near to all who call on him,
to all who call on him in truth.
19 He fulfills the desires of those who fear him;
he hears their cry and saves them.
20 The LORD watches over all who love him,
but all the wicked he will destroy.
21 My mouth will speak in praise of the LORD.
Let every creature praise his holy name
for ever and ever.
Let every creature praise his holy name
for ever and ever.
Hello Diana, I am a friend of Jaca DePriest, through the ministry of Morning Glories. Just read your post and wanted to bless you with encouragement. You are not alone on your journey, although you may often feel alone. There are many of us out here who have experienced the loss of our beloved husbands and we are bound into membership in a special society. We didn't ask to join the group, but join we did. When I read your post, I was taken back to the first year of my journey into widowhood and reminded of the struggle through which I walked. Your words have caused me to reflect on how far I have walked. Thanks for your posting. Please continue to write. Your words are a blessing to other members of our special society. God bless you.
ReplyDeleteWaned a, thank you so much for your words of encouragement! It's good to know that others can relate. I'm glad to be in a "society" instead of walking this alone.
ReplyDelete