My Story- for His Glory

Hello Friends,
   
     I realize it's been a while since I last wrote. In lieu of this delay in posting, I'm about to add a pretty extensive amount of reading material. :) I was asked to share this week at Refuge, the college age ministry at my church, which my husband Jake and I were heavily involved in (http://www.refugecam.com/). This was the first time I was able to share the really nitty gritty details of my testimony with a large group of people. It was difficult to do, but I am always grateful when people ask me to share. First, because it forces me to reflect on what GOD has done in my life, which is always encouraging to me. And secondly, because I believe GOD has given me this story not merely for my own benefit but for the benefit of others and for His glory (2 Cor. 1). I rejoice in getting to proclaim His faithfulness. This testimony came as part of a series my college pastor is preaching called "The Wandering," in which we are following the Israelite's journey through the desert after their exodus from Egypt. I have been meditating on this idea for several months now, ever since a friend (my pastor's wife) taught on the matter at a Widow's conference I attended in October. I was so encouraged and blown away seeing the parallels between the Israelites' journey and my own, and the lessons that GOD was teaching them at every turn. I hope to write about each of the stops and share the parallels with you throughout my own journey.
   
       I think some background on this week's text will help you better understand certain references in my testimony. This week we discussed the Israelite's stop in Marah (found in Exodus15), which comes shortly after the LORD's deliverance of them from the hands of the Egyptians at the Red Sea. Prior to Marah, the Israelites had been rejoicing greatly at the mighty works of the LORD, singing His praises and declaring His goodness to them. But they were, as are we, so quick to forget and soon began grumbling at the LORD as they thirsted for water for three days. They had thought they would find water that would quench them at Marah, but when they arrived they found it bitter and not fit for drinking. And so they continued to grumble, until GOD instructed Moses to take a branch and stir it in the water to make the water sweet. And sweet it became, and GOD satisfied their need. There are several lessons in this leg of the journey. First and perhaps most obvious is that GOD is able to take the bitter things in our lives and make them sweet. I can attest to this. But below the surface of the water we see that GOD was revealing the bitterness of the Israelites' own hearts, which only the LORD is able to cleanse and make sweet. We are so quick to grumble at the LORD when we face bitterness and thirst, and often we seek mirages and false promises of satisfaction at Marahs rather than waiting on Jesus, the living water. I hope you see the LORD's goodness as you read about my own desert journey and the sweetness that He has given me in the midst of it:

I am here tonight to testify to GOD’s faithfulness, how GOD, the Giver of both sweet and bitter things is always working things for our good and His glory. I am here to share with you what the LORD has taught me in my own desert journey, but before I begin I want to read a passage of Scripture to you from 1 Corinthians chapter 1:

26 For consider your calling, brothers: not many of you were wise according to worldly standards, not many were powerful, not many were of noble birth. 27But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong; 28God chose what is low and despised in the world, even things that are not, to bring to nothing things that are, 29so that no human being might boast in the presence of God. 30And because of him you are in Christ Jesus, who became to us wisdom from God,righteousness and sanctification and redemption, 31so that, as it is written, "Let the one who boasts, boast in the Lord."

I’d like to warn you that I am often foolish, I have no wisdom of my own, and I am well aware of my weaknesses. But I praise GOD for these imperfections because through my weaknesses His strength is made perfect, His wisdom is put on display, and He alone receives glory. Tonight I boast in Him alone. Every good and perfect gift comes from GOD and no good thing does he withhold from those who love Him. To Him alone be the glory.

For those of you who don’t know me or my story, I imagine a description of my entry into the desert is probably necessary. I do not intend to tell you the details of story in order to gain support or sympathy, but I want you to taste a little bit of the bitterness in my life, so that you may also understand the miraculousness of the LORD turning it sweet.

My journey began about 8 months ago on June 27, 2011. Most of you know the event that I am speaking of. Many of you knew and loved my husband Jake Fowler. He and I both grew up in this church. As we got older, we both served in the music and youth ministries, from teaching Bible Fellowship to C-Groups, with Jake playing bass guitar here almost every Wednesday night since he graduated from high school. Jake was my first boyfriend, my first kiss, my first love, and when he and I got married in the summer of 2010 after almost 4 years of dating I had nothing but high hopes for our future together. Nearly all of my hopes and dreams involved him in one way or another, and I was so proud to call him my husband. At the age of 22 he had already received his bachelor's degree and had completed 2 years of medical school. He was 2 years away from being a full-fledged doctor, and we were praying about how the LORD may someday use his medical expertise and my training as a teacher overseas. Every day I looked forward to seeing him. He was truly one of the most unique and talented yet humble people you could ever know. This summer Jake and I signed up to serve as counselors at Camp Kulaqua, just as we had been for the past four years. This would be the first year that he and I were able to serve together as a married couple, and we were looking forward to  growing and serving together all week with our group of seventh and eighth grade students.

I remember so vividly almost every detail of that first day of camp. We were enjoying all of the hecticness and excitement of the first day. As I walked around the grounds of Camp Kulaqua, my mind was filled with memories of being there as a student and of serving there for the past several years as an adult. I reminisced about the day almost exactly five years prior when Jake and I had met there as students. I felt so peaceful, so content; so comfortable in that place. During some free time that day I sat and watched Jake swimming and free-diving in the spring with friends. It was something he did every year, so I didn’t think a second thing about it. I left that afternoon with another counselor while he was still swimming to run a quick errand. I didn’t even think to say goodbye or tell him where I was going. As I said, I never thought a second thing about what he was doing. About 30-40 minutes later when I was returning to camp from my errand I received the first couple frantic voicemails on my phone. As I was listening to the third voicemail from another counselor urging me to call back immediately, I looked out of the passenger window of the car and saw ambulances and fire trucks parked near the springs, lights flashing, a flurry of activity around them. Immediately my heart sank, panic set in, and a thousand questions filled my mind. I knew immediately that something had to have happened to my Jake.

All my worst fears were confirmed as another counselor approached the vehicle that I had been riding in. As soon as I saw her, the words, “Don’t say it! Don’t say it!” escaped from my mouth with tears and an anguish that I had no idea were in me. Her response with a cracking voice was, “Honey, Jake’s been in an accident. They’re doing chest compressions on him now.” He had blacked out while diving in the spring. Immediately, I was rushed to my father-in-law and brother-in-law, who had also been serving at camp and had already been whisked away from the scene of Jake’s accident. When I saw Jake’s father, usually calm, collected and stern, doubled over and weeping I knew things had to be bad. I sat for a few minutes crying in my brother-in-law’s arms without knowing exactly what was going on when a medivac helicopter landed in the field next to us. Jake was transported to what they called the “best hospital nearby” and myself and Jake’s dad and brother quickly found ourselves being sped to the hospital in a police cruiser.

I remember clearly the hope that I had on that car ride to the hospital, how confident I was that the LORD could and would heal Jake, how much I was looking forward to talking to him and telling him that I loved him. Once I arrived at the hospital we were taken to our own waiting room just for our family. We passed long minutes sitting in that small room waiting on other family members to make the 2 hour drive to where we were, until almost an hour had passed. The longer we sat there the more sure I became that news would not be good, and when a whole team of doctors and a counselor entered our room my heart sank. The young doctor, who with every word reminded me of Jake, spoke of the valiant efforts to revive my precious husband but then regretfully stated that he had not made it. I can still hear clearly in my head the cries of myself and Jake’s dad and brother as soon as the words came out of the doctor’s mouth. Shock, disbelief, and heartbrokenness overwhelmed me. And so began my journey through the desert. A journey that has been exhausting and tiresome, but also more invigorating and rewarding than I could have ever imagined.

 I can relate to the Israelites in Exodus 13 and 14 as they stared in disbelief at the barren land ahead of them. At first, the sight of life without Jake was unbearable for me. The landscape was unfamiliar and ugly. It was not the Promised Land I had hoped the LORD was leading me to. It looked dry and painful and agonizing. I wished along with the Israelites that the LORD had planned something different for me, that He could take me to the Promised Land by another route, but this was the path that He had chosen for me. In those first days, I also found myself wishing along with the Israelites for death. The first morning after Jake’s death I distinctly remember thinking of other widows I knew, wondering, “How do people live after this?”  The task to simply keep living seemed impossible to me. However the LORD knew exactly what I needed to keep living and keep journeying and has provided it every step of the way. In those first days when I was paralyzed with grief, did not know what to pray, and could not bear to look at the road ahead, the promise of Exodus 14:14 washed over me, “The LORD will fight for you, and you have only to be silent.” The LORD carried me along until I could begin to take small steps again. Sometimes those steps were taking a shower, next they were paying a bill without Jake, then they were building the courage to sleep and live alone, and with each step I took, my strength grew and my strides did too. I am so grateful for how the LORD broke me in those days because it built in me a trust and intimacy with the LORD that I had never known before. As I walked with my hand in His, minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day, week by week, my trust in Him grew and my knowledge of His character deepened. I can say with complete genuineness that I’d never wish this experience away, never turn back on this journey,  never change a thing that the LORD has done thus far in my life. Knowing Him is worth any cost. There is sweetness in suffering, and that sweetness is in knowing God. As Isaiah 30:20 says, “And though the Lord give you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, yet your Teacher will not hide himself anymore, but your eyes shall see your Teacher.”


Some attributes of GOD that I have come to know and love much more deeply through this journey are GOD’s sovereignty, His goodness, and His sufficiency. God’s sovereignty is the pillow on which I rest my head at night. It means that GOD is in complete control. This means that what happened on June 27th was no surprise to Him. In fact, it was part of His plan. Lamentations 3 says  that “from the mouth of the Most High both good and bad come.” Likewise, the life I am experiencing now is also part of His plan. This is not a back-up plan in light of tragedy. This is part of His good and perfect plan for my life. GOD’s sovereignty is even more of a comfort when paired with His goodness. The LORD is not a vindictive god who hands out tragedy for the fun of it. He is a loving Father. Psalm 119 says, He is good and does good. He’s a Hiding Place and a Shield for those who hope in Him. Matthew 7 says to us, “If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in Heaven give good gifts to those who ask Him?” GOD truly does know how to give good gifts. He has graced me with more than I could have asked for or imagined, but most of all, He’s gifted me with Jesus. He so loved the world that He gave His only son, for you and me. Grace so amazing! Finally, I have seen GOD’s sufficiency. He always knows and provides exactly what I need physically, emotionally and spiritually. Corrie Ten Boom, a Christian survivor of the Holocaust of WWII, said, “You may never know that Jesus is all you need until Jesus is all you have.” I have found that to be exceedingly true during these past few months. GOD took from me the one thing I didn’t think I could do without, and He has brought me to a place of abundance.

Almost immediately on my journey, the LORD impressed John 15, which had been the theme passage for camp this year (and the passage I was working on memorizing the day Jake died), upon my heart. He reminded me of the importance of His Word and abiding in Him, that without Him I could do nothing. And as I read His Word, it came alive to me as never before. A friend asked me a few months after Jake’s death what passages in Scripture the LORD had revealed to me during this time. My response was that I don’t think I read anything new, I just read it with new eyes. GOD’s promises are so alive to me now that it was as if they were dead before. Now when I read that He is my Husband, my Provider, the Protector of the widow, the Strength of my heart and my Portion forever, I can shout with a resounding "yes!" that those promises are true. I have experienced them. I have lived them.

But we are so quick to forget His promises and to grumble, even after He proves Himself by parting Red Seas and providing for us abundantly. It has been said that the more human creatures have tasted of the bitter things of life, the more they crave the sweeter things. The bitter things that GOD has allowed in my life have indeed given me an intense craving for the sweeter things. The problem comes when we  look for sweetness in things other than God. I have found myself at those “mirages of Marah” at various points along this road. At times, I thought that remarriage was the sweet water I was looking for. Perhaps some of you also think you will find fulfillment and satisfaction in a spouse, or a career, or a calling. I can tell you most assuredly that you will not. Satisfaction is found in GOD alone. The bitterness of sin creeps its way into all people and relationships on this earth. That does not mean that there is not beauty in them, but only that their imperfections makes us long for something perfect, their brokenness makes us hope for something better. That perfect and better something is GOD. He alone satisfies. One of my favorite passages in all of Scripture, Isaiah 55, says, “Why do you spend your money for that which is not bread and labor for that which does not satisfy? Listen diligently to me, and eat what is good, and delight yourselves in rich food.” Eat of Jesus, the bread of life. Listen diligently to Him by feasting on His Word. The LORD is our portion therefore we will hope in Him (Lamentations 3). One verse that GOD used in my life to clear false hopes and mirages and kill the idols of my heart was 1 Peter 1:13. For months, I quoted it when I felt myself setting my sights and hopes on things other than Christ. “Therefore preparing your minds for action, and being sober-minded, set your hopes fully on the grace that will be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ.” (emphasis added) Through this verse, GOD taught me to set my hope fully on Him and not in man or any works of man for restoration, safety, and peace. Once I surrendered that area of my life to GOD, He began the work of bringing restoration and sweetness in ways that I could have never planned or acheived on my own. Don’t look for sweetness in the things that GOD can give, but in GOD alone.

If tonight you’ve found yourself in a bitter place, or have found yourself bitter in a place, I hope you’ve been encouraged. The LORD is good, and He takes us on these desert journeys for a purpose. I may never know the complete reason why GOD took my husband, but I do know that He intends for me to know Him more and love Him more through it. Oswald Chambers says, “We all know people who have been made much meaner and more irritable and more intolerable to live with by suffering: it is not right to say that all suffering perfects. It only perfects one type of person ...... the one who accepts the call of God in Christ Jesus.”  It has also been said that adversity introduces a man to himself. I pray that when we in this room face adversity, which we all will at some point or another, that we will accept the call of God in Christ Jesus and find ourselves worshippers and not grumblers.

I praise GOD for you brothers and sisters, for your prayers and love for me these past 8 months. Before I go I’d like to leave you with some encouragement from scripture. Deuteronomy 8:10 instructs us, “When you have eaten and are satisfied, praise the LORD your GOD for the good land He has given you. Be careful that you do not forget the LORD your GOD, failing to observe His commands, His laws, and His decrees...” I invite you to exalt the LORD with me tonight as we reflect on a Psalm 90, a psalm written by Moses after having experienced the desert. By GOD’s providence, it was also the passage that Jake and I chose as a couple during premarital counseling for our theme verse:

90 Lord, you have been our dwelling place^[a]
    in all generations.
² Before the mountains were brought forth,
    or ever you had formed the earth and the world,
     from everlasting to everlasting you are God.

³ You return man to dust
    and say, “Return, O children of man!”^[b]
4 For a thousand years in your sight
    are but as yesterday when it is past,
    or as a watch in the night.

⁵ You sweep them away as with a flood; they are like a dream,
    like grass that is renewed in the morning:
⁶ in the morning it flourishes and is renewed;
    in the evening it fades and withers.

⁷ For we are brought to an end by your anger;
    by your wrath we are dismayed.
⁸ You have set our iniquities before you,
    our secret sins in the light of your presence.

⁹ For all our days pass away under your wrath;
    we bring our years to an end like a sigh.
¹⁰ The years of our life are seventy,
    or even by reason of strength eighty;
yet their span^[c] is but toil and trouble;
    they are soon gone, and we fly away.
¹¹ Who considers the power of your anger,
    and your wrath according to the fear of you?

¹² So teach us to number our days
    that we may get a heart of wisdom.
¹³ Return, O Lord! How long?
    Have pity on your servants!
¹⁴ Satisfy us in the morning with your steadfast love,
    that we may rejoice and be glad all our days.
¹⁵ Make us glad for as many days as you have afflicted us,
    and for as many years as we have seen evil.
¹⁶ Let your work be shown to your servants,
    and your glorious power to their children.
¹⁷ Let the favor^[d] of the Lord our God be upon us,
    and establish the work of our hands upon us;
    yes, establish the work of our hands!