The Joy of the LORD is my Strength
In the past, whenever I have started a new journal I would take the first page and write out or draw a meaningful Bible verse or phrase on it. My most recent journal, which I started about 6 months before Jake's passing, opened with, "The Joy of the LORD is my Strength." I always liked the sound of that verse, but I wrote it as a reminder to meditate upon it. I couldn't really wrap my mind around the idea of HIS JOY being MY STRENGTH... at least I couldn't until today. It is crazy and beautiful the way the LORD uses pain to open our eyes to truth.
Today as I drove to the store to buy wedding gifts for yet another bridal shower (the third one I have attended since Jake's death), I was blindsided by an onslaught of emotion. I could not get Jake, or the day of his death, or the hopes and dreams I had held at my own wedding, or the following months of utter confusion and pain out of my head. And wouldn't you know it, today of all days, on the drive to and from the store I drove past at least three screaming fire trucks and ambulances. All of this, along with the fact that yesterday marked the seventh month of my widowhood, compounded to make me an emotional wreck. As I ordered pizza (my comfort food :) ) at a drive-thru on the way home I had to hold back tears just to answer the question, "Would like any Parmesan cheese with your order?" I felt utterly without strength, unsure how I could even drive home, let alone face an afternoon of smiles and bridal bliss. As I pulled into a spot in the parking lot and began to eat my food in the car, the LORD brought back that familiar phrase to my head: the joy of the LORD is my strength, and I think for the very first time I truly understood it. There I was: weak, helpless, confused at the strange turn of events my life has taken, but in me there remained joy, a joy that I cannot explain.
I sat for a moment and meditated on the Gospel, the News that is Good no matter what other news you have to face. I thought about the LORD's faithfulness to me for the past seven months and that even in this moment when I was feeling pitiful and lonely He was with me. He sees my broken heart. He WILL bind my wounds. One day He WILL make all things new. I thought about His vastness, how incomprehensible He is, how ALL of the plans He has for me are good and are for my good. And all these things filled me with great, unspeakable... joy. And in that joy I have strength. It may seem a small thing to some, but for me, the strength today to get out of bed, get dressed, and see other people is a mighty strength indeed. And it comes from Him, from the joy I have in Him. Without it I would truly be weak, despondent, ineffective for the kingdom. But with it I am mighty, mighty enough to attend bridal showers and be genuinely happy for my friends. A small victory, perhaps, but one that is completely the LORD's. My hope is in Him and His promises. My joy comes from Him. My strength is in the joy that He gives me!
Today as I drove to the store to buy wedding gifts for yet another bridal shower (the third one I have attended since Jake's death), I was blindsided by an onslaught of emotion. I could not get Jake, or the day of his death, or the hopes and dreams I had held at my own wedding, or the following months of utter confusion and pain out of my head. And wouldn't you know it, today of all days, on the drive to and from the store I drove past at least three screaming fire trucks and ambulances. All of this, along with the fact that yesterday marked the seventh month of my widowhood, compounded to make me an emotional wreck. As I ordered pizza (my comfort food :) ) at a drive-thru on the way home I had to hold back tears just to answer the question, "Would like any Parmesan cheese with your order?" I felt utterly without strength, unsure how I could even drive home, let alone face an afternoon of smiles and bridal bliss. As I pulled into a spot in the parking lot and began to eat my food in the car, the LORD brought back that familiar phrase to my head: the joy of the LORD is my strength, and I think for the very first time I truly understood it. There I was: weak, helpless, confused at the strange turn of events my life has taken, but in me there remained joy, a joy that I cannot explain.
I sat for a moment and meditated on the Gospel, the News that is Good no matter what other news you have to face. I thought about the LORD's faithfulness to me for the past seven months and that even in this moment when I was feeling pitiful and lonely He was with me. He sees my broken heart. He WILL bind my wounds. One day He WILL make all things new. I thought about His vastness, how incomprehensible He is, how ALL of the plans He has for me are good and are for my good. And all these things filled me with great, unspeakable... joy. And in that joy I have strength. It may seem a small thing to some, but for me, the strength today to get out of bed, get dressed, and see other people is a mighty strength indeed. And it comes from Him, from the joy I have in Him. Without it I would truly be weak, despondent, ineffective for the kingdom. But with it I am mighty, mighty enough to attend bridal showers and be genuinely happy for my friends. A small victory, perhaps, but one that is completely the LORD's. My hope is in Him and His promises. My joy comes from Him. My strength is in the joy that He gives me!
You are so precious!
ReplyDeleteDiana, you could not have chosen a better time to start this blog. Your story of God's grace and sufficiency is hitting close to home in my life. While our struggles are completely different, our Jesus is the same, and His perfection is sufficient for both of us. These words are washing over me today, while I want to wallow in my situation. How easy it is to wallow, and what strength it takes to get up and keep walking in truth! Thank you for your complete transparency. In complete truth, we can lift each other up and point each other back to Christ. You are an amazing woman of God and I'm so blessed to call you sister!
ReplyDeleteYour blog let me speechless diana, my heart ached yet a smile appeared on my face knowing that the joy of the Lord is truly your strength..I feel myself getting chocked up reading your entries yet I can't wait for the next one. God bless you
ReplyDeleteAlex and Becca, thank you so much for your encouragement!
ReplyDeleteAlex, I am so glad we're able to remind each other of truth sister! 2 Cor. 1... We are comforted by the LORD that we may comfort others. Praise GOD!