Reflecting on 2014- Lessons I've Learned as a New Parent

On August 16, 2014, my life was forever changed as Kevin and I welcomed Hudson Elliot Dunn into the world. 8lb 8oz, 21 inches long, and long overdue. I cried the moment the nurses laid him in my arms. To be honest, I was crying not from any sort of intense maternal love, but from the sheer relief of knowing that he was finally out of my body. As ridiculous as it sounds, while I was in labor, there was a time that I was completely convinced that he'd never come out and I'd be pregnant forever... wouldn't that be something? Yes, exhaustion sure can do some crazy things with your mind. Haha. Anyways, from that day forward, I have been jotting down little thoughts and lessons that God has taught me through being Hudson's mommy. Probably no ground-breaking revelations here, but maybe some reminders that someone needs to hear. As we are looking into a new year, now seems as good a time as any to reflect on the previous one and share some of the things l've learned.

1. God is sovereign. Trust in that when your plans don't work out the way you expected them to. 

God's sovereignty seems to be an aspect of his character that he's nailed into my head at virtually every life stage in the last few years and this one is no different. When I found out I was pregnant my heart was set on having a little girl. I dreamed of discipling her, teaching her about the Lord, and becoming best friends with her as she grew up. I also dreamed of the softening influence a little girl would have on Kevin- how he'd learn to tolerate dolls, and flowers, and silly dance parties around the house. And none of these plans were bad; they just weren't what God had planned for us- at least not right now. My labor and delivery of Hudson was another curve-ball. 

DISCLAIMER: cue really long birth story here, for those of you who are interested :) 

I was fully committed to having a natural birth with as little medical intervention as possible. We chose a midwife and hospital that worked in line with this philosophy, read books, and hired a doula. Hudson was due on August 5th. As I went days and then a week past my due date, with a move to another state fast approaching, natural childbirth was looking less and less likely. Finally, my water broke on its own, right before midnight on Wednesday, August 13th. I spoke with the midwife on call at the hospital and was advised to wait until morning before coming into the doctor's office. The next day the midwife confirmed that my water had indeed broken, but my labor had really not started at all.  We went back home and did whatever we could to induce labor on our own, but were told I'd have to be admitted to the hospital Thursday night and started on IV antibiotics once my water had been broken for over 18 hours. Once being admitted, I had to scrap my plans of a natural, as-little-interventions-as-possible birth. I was put on Pitocin to induce labor since my contractions were still very weak at that point and there is a concern with waiting too long to deliver after your bag of waters has broken. I labored on increasing doses of Pitocin for 24 hours without an epidural (yay to Kevin and my doula for their hard work!), determined to at least do that part naturally, when I found out that after a day of excruciating contractions and back pain, I was still only 5.5 cm dilated! At that point, we made the decision to get the epidural. Not only would it give me some relief from the pain and allow me some rest before pushing, it would also allow the doctors to give me more Pitocin to further strengthen my contractions. A few hours after getting the epidural I was finally ready to push. Praise God he saw fit to at least make the pushing part quick and about 45 minutes later, Hudson was delivered into the world. 

BACK TO MY POINT: Hudson was born around 2am on Saturday, August 16th, about 50 hours since my water had first broken!  Throughout that 50 hours my plans and expectations of what was going to happen probably changed 100 times, but my one comfort was that all "my times are in [God's] hand." I've learned this lesson a thousand times more since becoming a mom, and I am sure I'll be reminded of it for the rest  of my life. Things don't always work out the way we plan. Our kids don't always obey. Dreams go unfulfilled. Life gets messy. We may have the best of intentions in our planning and plotting, and still things may pan out completely contrary to what we wanted. But thankfully, though our plans may be good, God's plans are BEST. He knows a million little intricate details of how things will work out to bring him the maximum glory and us the maximum good. Sometimes I just need to stop all my planning and frantic efforts I make at getting things just the way I want them, and instead rest in his goodness and his perfect plans for me. 

You are good and do good; teach me your statutes. Psalm 119:68

2. Life is miraculous. 

I can think of no greater case for a Creator God than staring into the eyes of my son. To think that those life-filled, knowing eyes came about by some long list of natural processes begun ultimately by chance and under no direction at all seems absurd to me.  I look at Hudson's tiny toes- that he loves to spread out and suck on; his little fingers- already with so much dexterity; the hairs on his head- the Psalmist saying that God numbers each one; and I am AMAZED. Nothing has taught me the beauty and value of life so much as carrying life inside of me, knowing that God was knitting that little body together, knowing the staggering number of processes that have to work just right as he grows and develops, and then seeing that life brought into the world, now able to live apart from me! And praise God, not only did he create Hudson's little body, but he sustains it. "In Him we live and move and have our being." May Hudson use every breath possible to honor the One who gives it to him. 

Even more miraculous than physical life created, is spiritual life granted. It truly is miraculous that Holy, Righteous God would choose to forgive any of us, that he would bring us from spiritual death into spiritual life. Marveling at the wonders of God's physical creation certainly honors him, but how much more so should we rejoice and marvel at the salvation of our souls?!

...I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly. John 10:10

3. I need thee every hour...

God certainly reminded me of this hymn in the weeks and months following Jake's death, but he is teaching it to me now in fresh ways. The first few days of Hudson's life, worry was an almost constant struggle. Every little noise and movement, every lack of noise or movement- I observed and wondered about. I could become seized with fear and worry so quickly. I felt so heavily the weight of responsibility for this little life. It is a sobering thought, as you nurse a newborn infant, that God is using you alone to give that baby all the nutrients he needs to grow and develop. It is SO easy as a parent to give way to constant fear and worry over your child. It was in the early hours of the morning, the first week after Hudson was born, that God reminded me of the words of this hymn, which had already carried me through many looming clouds of fear in the past: I need thee every hour, most gracious Lord. No tender voice like thine can peace afford. I have learned this year that I need God more than ever. I need him for physical endurance on sleepless nights, for patience on long days, for peace when my worries overwhelm me. What a gracious gift God has given us as parents, in constantly reminding us of our inadequacy and need for him!

4. Being a Child of God is a BIG DEAL.

Not until I experienced for myself the intense love, protectiveness, and self-sacrificing attitude a parent has for a child, did I really appreciate being a child of God myself. How privileged we are to be able to call Almighty God, "Father," to know that he has a fierce, protective, self-sacrificing love for us, and that in the infinite greatness of his character, his love makes my own love for my child pale in comparison. What room do I have to fret or fear when I am his daughter?! 

I am also again reminded of how very in need of him I am. Hudson needs Kevin and I for everything right now. We provide his food, shelter, and clothing. He is not able to get to the things that he wants on his own, and sometimes I'm not sure he even knows what  he wants. He needs us all the time, and everything that he gets comes through us. How very humbling it is to think of myself as God's child in these terms. I am reminded that everything I have comes from him and through him. I am convicted by the love and daily dependency a child should have on his/her parents. How often I try to do things my own way and then end up crying to God for comfort when I have fallen down! 

And how amazing it is, knowing now the love of a parent for a child, that God would give his own perfect son for me, a rebel, in order to bring me too into his family. What love!

5. God is so patient with me.

Caring for a baby can be very monotonous. For months it seems your days are just a cycle of feeding, diaper changing, rocking to sleep, and little else. It takes time for babies to learn things for themselves. It takes repetition. It strikes me now how patient God is with me. How many times has he cleaned up my mess, only for me to make it all over again? Or taught me a lesson, only for me to act as though I've forgotten it the very next day? How often has he taught me to hold my tongue, or lean not on my own understanding , or lay every anxiety before him in prayer? How great is his patience towards me! I pray that I'll be able to reflect his patience more and more in my interactions with others.